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Dr. Robert Jarvik’s Valentine to his sweetheart, Marilyn |
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The CEO was gazing down on the tarmac at his pride and joy, a fleet of private jets. A huge Carmen Miranda fan, he had painted on them elaborately garish hats with piles of various and sundry fruit. His fellow execs figured it was a miracle no one had taken some paint cans and graffiti’d them. A miracle, they agreed. “This a special tea,” he was explaining to a client. “It’s such a rarity now that we, and only we possess it. “Supposedly the three Magi, having been warned, were taking the long way home, when they came upon a small range of mountains, all covered with lavender flowers. Two were anxious and in a hurry, but the third Magus told them to go ahead, that he'd catch up. He approached the nearest patch and found the fragrance delightful. Thinking it might make a tasty tea, he made a small fire and brewed a pot. “Wonderful!” he exclaimed with the first sip. “I believe I have a valuable product here, if I can get it to grow back home.” He caught up with his fellows, telling them of his find. Neither evinced much interest, so he figured that he had his treasure all to himself. When he arrived home he immediately set about planting what he had brought and, lo and behold, they took, and yielded just as fragrant a tea as in their original location. He built a small, successful industry, jealously guarded and handed down from father to son over the centuries. “The Persian side of my family was the beneficiary,” the fellow concluded, “and I am the sole possessor of this terrific flower.” And so they sat, enjoyably sipping their fragrant, delicious (all sing it together now!) ‘Purple Mountains Magus Tea above the fruited planes — a miracle, a miracle!’ |
Guy tells me, the new iPhone bends in your shirt pocket. I say, big deal. Hey, a Mercedes Benz
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I'll buy an island |
Ah, zee French … (click here.)
… +, a Chanukah riddle.
Like Little Bo Peep said to the ram when she found her sheep,
“Have a Happy Ewe Near!”
(Daniel, that was baaaaaaaaad.)
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From Joisey to Boise Two lads from the ’hood in New Joisey Saw a strange painted lady, And remarked, … which brngs to mind the maxim, “You can lead a whoretoculture but you can’t make her think.” |
Being an old auto nut * my favorite serving platter is a beautifully chromed hubcap.
After all, there’s no plate like chrome for the holidays. (Thanks, Tony)
* Hear the one about the nut who was about to be screwed, so he bolted?
Where to you put roots then they die? On a root bier.
Put flowers on it and enter it in a parade and it becomes a root bier float.
We Jews know there never was a ressurection. He couldn’t have risen — Jews are proscribed from using yeast during Passover. So we say that on Yeaster Sunday, Christian celebrate the Risen Crust.
You know why Bach had so many children? He didn’t have any stops on his organ;
& what you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft — A flat minor!
These just in:
The Federal meat inspector marched into the warehouse. “All this meat has to be destroyed!” “How come,” says the manager. “Well, All this came from animals raised by a hippie who was growing pot in the next field, and all the cows had access.” “But this is prime beef!” exclaimed the manager. “Sorry,” said the Fed. “The steaks are too high.”
When it was learned that the founder of our nation was once a bell-hop at the fabled Algonquin Hotel (of Round Table fame), a plaque was put up immediately proclaiming “George Washington Schlepped Here.”
Tangentially, when the Chicago mobster of the Roaring Twenties abruptly and mysteriously departed from the hotel, his Irish bodyguard left this terse and cryptic note: “Al gone – Quinn.”
“Heart” in Spanish is corazón. “What time is it?” is ¿Que hora son?, gramatically incorrect, but that’s how it’said. Say it quickly, and it’s just a brief vowel sound away from corazón.
Pardon me, Roy. Is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did:
Criminal lie ability determines a detective’s worth.
A peanut walks into a bar and was a salted.
A piece of rope walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender tells him they don't serve drinks to ropes, and kicks him out.
The rope becomes so unraveled he ties himself in a knot to avoid being stranded. Pulling himself together, he goes back in the bar and orders again.
"Hey", the bartender asks, "aren't you the same rope I just tossed out?"
"Nope," he replies, "I’m
a frayed knot."
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don’t believe you," says Dolly. "It’s true; no bull!"
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. Their kids were nothing to look at either.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.
A careless pyromaniac made an ash of himself.
He couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to him.
A butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got behind in his work. He was exposed in the end, making it a dis-ass-ter.
A
vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The flight
attendant looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion
allowed per passenger."
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly, it immediately sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked as they moved off. "Because," he said," I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
Meanwhile, a rock star was checking in. The clerk notices he was in distress, and asked him why. "The van with my roadies got lost." I'm sure they'll show up," replied the clerk. The rocker, unmolified, cried, "Have you ever had a detached retinue?" (By the way, know why an old rock musician is a redundentcy? A rocker in a rocker.) (DbA)
A woman has identical twins and is forced to give them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're identical twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
A group of friars were behind on their belfry
payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since
everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist
across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good
fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the
friars to close. They ignored him.
So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent Florist friars.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. That's as funny as two-thirds of a pun. P.U.
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
Eubie Blake returned from Paris with a new caffeine habit. He had the bartender make him a latte, took a sip, then got caught up in the music and forgot all about it. The next night it was stilll sitting on the piano. He took a sip, decided he liked it that way, so he'd always have the bartender make him one at the end of the gig, and enjoy it the next evening.
A customer noticed this and asked the bartender what the deal was, and was told, "That's a Eubie latte, day old (Jubilate Deo!) (DbA)
A fellow was sitting in the park, strumming his guitar, when a huge burst of wind upset a rather large anthill, and sent the hoard of insects flying through the air. Whereup, the folkie began crooning, "The ants here my friend, are blowing in the wind ..." (DbA)
A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. Relax, you're two tents."
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
The farmer’s wife ran off with a tractor salesman, then sent him a John Deere letter. (DbA)
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
The patron saint of poverty is St. Nickeless.
There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said 'Keep off the Grass'.
No one knew she had a dental implant until it came out in a conversation.
Weight loss mantra? Fat chants!
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Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
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A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said ‘No change yet’.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
A scientist doing a large experiment with liquid chemicals was trying to solve a problem when he fell in and became part of the solution.
I went to a seafood disco last week… and pulled a mussel.
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
Patient: “I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of
Home.’”
Doctor: “That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.”
Patient: “Is it common?”
Doctor: “It’s Not Unusual.”
If eight is a byte, then nine must be an overbyte, and seven must be ...
Energizer Bunny Arrested & Charged with Battery.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
I'm on a sea food diet -- I sea it, I eat it.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion
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If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
A grenade in a French kitchen results in Linoleum Blownapart.
A lot of money is tainted. It t'aint yours and it t'aint mine.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A short fortune-teller escaped from prison is a small medium-at-large.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine .
An actress who saw her first strands of grey hair thought she'd dye.
Acupuncture is a jab well done
He said she was average because he was mean.
William went AWOL. He detested the command, “fire at will.”
